Withness 2: Who's Your Jonathan? You Need a True Friend

When Jesus was asked "What is the greatest commandment?", he responded, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength, and love your neighbor as yourself." Let's focus on the second part of Jesus' answer for a moment: "Love your neighbor as yourself." I think we could safely say that Jesus was commanding us to be a Jonathan.

In 1 Samuel 18:1, Scripture says,

When [David] had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul.

Later, in 1 Samuel 20:17, we are told again that Jonathan loved David "as he loved his own soul." As we seek to fulfill Christ's commands, and this command to love our neighbor as ourself, it would seem Jonathan is someone we should pay close attention to.

Read 1 Samuel 20. Based on this chapter, how would you describe Jonathan & David's friendship?

Jonathan chooses to side with David in the dispute against his father, even though this essentially costs Jonathan a chance to sit on the throne himself. In this way Jonathan embodies the attitude of John the Baptist: "I must decrease, so that He [Christ] might increase." Later, Christ himself says, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

How would you apply these observations to explaining Sweet's distinction between a "best friend" and a "true friend"? Do you think such a distinction exists?

Think about your life situation right now. What aspects of your life promote finding a true friend and being a true friend? What aspects of your life challenge the formation of true friendships?

Sweet identifies 3 "syndromes" that cause Jonathans to be rare occurrences:

• "What's In It for Me?" - a Jonathan asks, "What's in it for you?"
• "No Down Elevator" - Jonathans are people we can come clean with, both the bad and the good. Many people are uncomfortable with this level of deep intimacy.
• "What, Me Sacrifice?" - Jonathans are willing to pay the price of being a friend, especially in the area of time.

Do you see the lack of these syndromes in Jonathan? Are there other "syndromes" that you think cause true friends to be difficult to find?

Sweet poses a couple of interesting questions at the end of this chapter that I think especially merit discussion:

• "Some recent research suggests that women will sacrifice achievement for the sake of a relationship, but men will more likely sacrifice a relationship for the sake of an achievement. Does this ring true with your own experience? Do you agree with those who argue for gender differences in terms of relational skills? If true, what are its implications if strong relationships hold both families and societies together?"
• "In some cultures, one's spouse is most often one's Jonathan. In other cultures, one's spouse is most often not one's Jonathan (e.g., 'An ideal husband is one who is always well and never home,' according to an old Japanese proverb). What are the advantages of having a spouse as one's Jonathan? The disadvantages?"

I am always struck that Jesus elevates so highly the command to love neighbor as we love ourselves. It is second only to loving God with everything we have. I think the command of Jesus reminds us that our first concern should be to be a Jonathan to others rather than waiting to identify our own Jonathans. Perhaps in seeking to be a true friend we find our true friends as well.

Withness 1: Who's Your Nathan? You Need an Editor

You may want to read 2 Samuel 7 and 2 Samuel 11-12:15 before going on.

In recent years there has been a big push within parts of the Christian church for men to have "accountability partners". These are people who you trust that are aware of your personal struggles with sin and temptation. These people check with you regularly to see how you are doing and to insure that you are not giving in to temptations and making poor choices. Your accountability partner is someone who you can be, in fact have to be, completely honest with. The idea behind this approach was to encourage men to help each other remain faithful disciples in a day and age where temptations, especially in the areas of lust, can be as close as a click of the computer mouse.

I have always thought that this kind of relationship can be very helpful. I still do. However, I think Sweet makes a very interesting observation on p. 34 of "11" when he says, "Accountability is designed to prevent you from doing bad. Editability is designed to help you do good." Certainly we need to resist temptation, and that requires a lot of help. However, are we as Christians as quick to help someone else do good? The call of discipleship is not just to run away from sin, but to "go into all the world and preach the gospel." Sweet points out that we need people who help us find our voice to preach with. That is an editor's job: not just to point out mistakes for the purpose of finger-pointing, but to point out errors to help an author's voice be clearer and more powerful. The editor may tell the author what to think about, but not what to think.

Sweet uses the example of Nathan the prophet. When David decides he wants to build a permanent home for the ark of the covenant, God uses Nathan to correct David's thinking and to lead David to a place of worship and awe of who God is and what God has done and will do. When David finds himself involved in adultery, God uses Nathan to point out David's sin and bring him to confession and repentance. Why? Well, could Scripture consider David "a man after God's own heart" if Nathan had not brought David to an understanding of his sin? Nathan was David's editor.

Read the passages from 2 Samuel about Nathan. What characteristics do you see in Nathan that are important for someone who is going to help you find your voice to preach the gospel?

What do you learn about God from how he calls and uses Nathan in David's life?

Can someone who is an accountability partner also be an editor for your life?

We live in a culture that sometimes espouses an attitude of "Don't tell me what I can or can't do." How do you think a Nathan fits into a world or relationship where this kind of attitude exists? How does Nathan's dealing with David in the Bathsheba incident perhaps give guidance for how to be a Nathan when someone does not want to be told they are wrong?

Is it enough to just point out what someone is doing wrong, or does a Nathan need to also provide answers?

Perhaps the reason why we all most need a Nathan in our lives is because Nathans remind us that we all have limitations which can impede our service to God and one another. What are your limitations? Do we prosper by those very limitations under which we live? Why or why not?

Feel free to share your thoughts on these or any other issues raised by chapter 1 of Sweet's book. Simply click on the comments button below this article.

- Mark

Introduction to Leonard Sweet's 11

Who is in your circle?
It seems like every cell phone carrier right now has some variation of a plan where you identify a certain group of people that you are connected with. Your cell phone conversations with these people are then free of charge. Almost all of their advertising campaigns about these plans talk about the importance of staying connected with the people who mean the most to you.
I wonder if these cell phone companies have tapped into a need, perhaps even a desire, that most of us have: connection, relationship, intimacy. Leonard Sweet argues in his new book, 11 Indispensible Relationships You Can't Be Without, that such relationships not only make us feel good about ourselves but are necessary to fulfilling the purposes with which God created us.

Before I go any further, I want to recommend finding a copy of this book. While we are going to try to set up the discussions here so that reading the book is not absolutely required, I think you will get so much out of reading this work.

God has never enjoyed loneliness. God created, and then God looked at Adam and said, "It is not good for man to be alone." God called people to enter into relationship with Him, they didn't first call Him. You can't talk about a Christian understanding of God without talking about relationship between Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Sweet points out that Christian discipleship is based first on relationship: "Before the apostles could be 'witnesses to [Christ], they first had simply to 'be with him', to be 'Withnesses'." (page 20). Good relationships become liberating forces to fulfilling God's purposes for our lives and His plans for His creation.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely, and let us run with perseverence the race that is set before us" - Hebrews 12:1

Based on these principles, Sweet introduces 11 relationships that each of us needs to have to find fulfillment in life. He argues that each of these relationships has a corresponding Biblical model. Over the course of the following weeks, we will discuss each of these relationships, 1 per week. However, there are some issues worth discussing to lay a foundation for future discussions. (By the way, at the end of each chapter, Sweet provides several discussion questions. We will specifically reference some in our blog posts, but feel free to also share your thoughts on questions Sweet asks that we don't specifically mention here.)

1. Martin Luther used to encourage people, when they were in trouble, to "remember your baptism". What do you think he meant by that? What would it mean for you to 'remember your baptism' in your life today?

2. Movies, books, music and television love to share romance stories where one person tells another, "You are everything that I need." Can one person really be that for someone else?

3. Taken from Sweet, pages 29-30: "Here's a fun pop quiz (fun because there are no right or wrong answers) I sometimes give my students. I ask them to take out a sheet of paper and map the genealogy of relatives whom they have met in person since the previous Christmas. It's always amazing how many have not run across a close relative, much less a brother or sister, in months." Try this exercise yourself. "Is there a decline of active kinship ties in your life? If so, what are the implications for the need for relational networks?"

4. Sweet mentions that identifying 11 indispensible relationships for your life is not only about identifying who these people are for you but also how you perhaps fill these roles for other people. How can our search to walk with others in their needs bring fulfillment in our own lives? Do we sometimes miss potential relationship opportunities by simply seeking to do for others rather than walking with others?

You are invited to share your comments on any of the questions or thoughts shared above or on any of the comments that people post. Who knows, perhaps you may find one of your 11 in the discussion, or you may become part of someone else's 11!